#BlogElul: Looking for Love

As someone who has yet to stumble upon my bashert, I'm always interested to learn how individuals who are one half of a loving couple met originally. Answers often include:  in college, online, at a bar, at a singles' event, sitting next to each other on a plane or train, or fixed up by a mutual friend.

Funny, nobody ever says, "I met my bashert on Craigslist."

That idea got me to thinking...

Cue the dreamy, I'm-leaving-reality music...

 

Dear Craigslist,

I know that in addition to making matches between buyers and sellers of furniture, apartments, cars and jobs, among other things, you’ve also got quite a reputation as a forum for people in search of casual sex, friends with benefits and no-strings attached relationships, none of which is of interest to me. However, tired of waiting around for someone to fix me up, and frustrated with Jdate, match.com, eharmony and other more traditional online and offline venues for finding someone for a date (and maybe, just maybe, a great relationship over time), I’m turning to you in the hopes that you might be able to help me out here.   

1. I’m 51, so when I say “fifty-something” or “age appropriate,” I don’t mean 28 and I don’t mean 63. Fifty to 57 would be great.
2. I’m Jewish and although not religious in the traditional sense, it is an important part of my life in a liberal sort of way. Therefore, Jewish guys who still retain some attachment (even if it’s mostly cultural) to their heritage are most desirable.
3. Although I’m not looking to get married again (at least not at the moment), I also am not interested in meeting guys who already are married or are not quite divorced. It would be great if you could limit your selections for me to guys who are fully divorced, widowed or single, in that order.
4. I don’t have a specific “type” in mind when it comes to guys and I don’t much care about hair color, eye color or that sort of thing. At the same time, at 5’5”, I do appreciate guys who are at least 5’7” or 5'8". Please feel free to let your pool of candidates know that I’m height and weight proportionate (and stay that way with the help of the treadmill nearly every other day). I’ve got long, curly auburn hair, brown eyes and a great smile. I will be happy to send a recent picture (in which I am wearing neither baseball cap nor sunglasses) to serious suitors once we’ve exchanged a few emails and I expect that they’ll do the same.
5. Much more important to me than looks, though, is that you do your best to send me a mensch. Of course I don’t expect perfection (I’m old enough and seasoned enough to know that it only exists in fairy tales and the movies), but I would love to spend time getting to know someone who is honest, gentle and kind, seriously interested in finding the right somebody and not into playing games. I don’t really care about how much money he makes, whether or not he travels annually to the Caribbean or how many electronic gadgets he owns. Speaking of electronic gadgets, though, if we do decide to meet and chat over coffee or a drink (my preference for a first get-together), it’d be nice if he’d turn off his phone and wait until later to check his messages and emails.
6. I live and work in Manhattan and would like to meet a “local” guy. I’m also am open to guys who live in the other four boroughs, as well as close by in Westchester and New Jersey. However, Florida, Maine, and upstate New York are a bit out of the question. Some consideration of geographic boundaries would be greatly appreciated.
7. I know that these are tough economic times, but gainful, satisfying employment is a big plus as are solo living quarters unless, of course, the guy shares space with his kids – either full-time or part-time. (Although I don’t have any of my own and am way too old to have any in the future--I’m 51, after all—I’m definitely open to having other people’s kids in my life and hope that the guy you send me has a positive, loving relationship with his.) 
8. Although I don’t expect a response that rivals the Great American Novel, I do appreciate a few thoughtful, carefully written sentences about the guy you’re sending me. I’d love for him to tell me a bit about himself and his life, as well as what positive attributes he’d bring to a meaningful long-term relationship. Most undesirable in the response category are one-liners, canned text, photos with no words (and no shirts), and the totally out-of-context imperative “call me” with a phone number.
9. I know you won’t necessarily send me a guy who’s a carbon copy of me (that’d be boring), but it would be great if he and I had some shared values. (I know, I know…this is Craigslist. What am I thinking?!) High on my list are smarts, honesty, integrity, intellectual curiosity, kindness, family, friends and other things money can’t buy. Please don't send me guys who lie, steal or cheat.
10. Lastly, to make this thing really work, I hope you’ll be able to send me someone with whom I have that all elusive chemistry. Ideally, we’ll have an emotional, intellectual and physical spark that together we can coax into a wonderfully warm and glowing relationship that keeps us both from having to be in touch with you again for a long time to come (unless we’ve got an old desk or dining room table to sell!). 

Craigslist, I know that I may be asking for a lot here, but I’m optimistic that with these explicit instructions you may be able to come through for me, helping me bump into my bashert in the new year. Thanks for your careful consideration of my requests. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

~ JanetheWriter

Inspired by Ima on (and off) the Bima, this #BlogElul post is one in a series marking the days of the Hebrew month of Elul, which precedes the Jewish High Holidays and traditionally serves as a time of reflection and spiritual preparation for the new year. 

Go With Your Gut…the Kishkes Know: A #BlogElul Post

When she was younger, my sister used to say that when it came to choosing an apartment, a job, or a man, she’d just know if it was right on the first walk-through, the first interview, or the first date. She’d feel it in her gut.

I, too, have found that often I know the answer to tough questions because I feel it in my gut. However, it’s one thing to feel it, and another to listen—especially if your gut is telling you he isn’t your bashert, this isn’t your dream job, or the apartment’s not the right one for you.

With time I’ve learned not only to feel what’s in my gut, but also to listen to what that feeling is telling me—even if it’s a message I don’t necessarily want to hear.  In 5774, may I have occasion to use these skills and, most of all, may I use them well.

Inspired by Ima on (and off) the Bima, this post is one in a series marking the days of the Hebrew month of Elul, which precedes the Jewish High Holidays and traditionally serves as a time of reflection and spiritual preparation for the new year.

Who Wants to Marry a Jew, Anyway?

The title of a recent JTA article asks these two questions:

1. Why do Jews intermarry?
2. Who wants to marry a Jew, anyway?

The answer to the first question has been studied extensively and, according to the article has much to do with assimilation, age at the time of marriage and, according to some, philo-Semitism.  Personally, I believe there are as many reasons for intermarriage as there are intermarried Jews.

From my perspective, the answer to the second question seems to be much simpler:  I want to marry a Jew.  (OK, having been down the marriage path once, I’m not necessarily looking to go down it again, but if there’s going to be a significant other in my life, I’d like him to be Jewish.)  

At 50, my desire has nothing to do with raising Jewish kids, although if he’s got a few, that’s fine with me.  Rather, it’s about finding a companion who, like me, not only sees the world through a liberal Jewish lens, but understands, appreciates and enjoys the view.

In my mind’s eye, he’ll chuckle when I tell him about the time I Googled chevre to confirm the spelling and was surprised to get a list of results about “goat cheese.”

When we discuss the movie 42, he’ll understand my reference to Nachshon ben Aminadav and why a comparison with Jackie Robinson seems apt.

When it’s his turn to suggest a movie, maybe he’ll pick Fill the Void, not because it’s one he thinks I’d enjoy, but because it’s one he really wants to see.

The same goes for Deborah Feldman’s next book-signing.  Not only will he go with me, he’ll borrow my newly signed copy of Unorthodox to read on the train.

At some point, perhaps we’ll decide to host a Shabbat dinner together, each inviting a few of our own friends.  How nice it might be for me to light the candles, for him to recite the Kiddush and for one of our guests to do the motzi.

His company from time to time at minyan and Torah study would be terrific, too, and on the first Sunday in June, brunch could be followed by a march in the Israel Day parade.  In the fall, perhaps we’ll host a Yom Kippur break-the-fast, build a sukkah or sign up together for a Mitzvah Day project.

And on and on and on…

On good days, I’m totally optimistic that he’s out there, convinced that we just haven’t bumped into each other yet. Other times, I’m absolutely sure he doesn’t exist at all and that I’m destined to be alone for the rest of my days.

Today’s a good day…

Youthful, happily divorced city-dwelling Jewish woman with no kids, a solid job, manageable baggage, and a wide and varied circle of family, friends and interests has lots to offer the right guy:  humor, smarts, laughter, good sensibilities, emotional stability, a great smile and more.

I value family, friends, ideas, integrity, intellectual curiosity, honesty and other things money can’t buy. At this point in my life, I am seasoned enough to have made some mistakes, wise enough to have learned from them, and realistic enough to know that perfection exists only in the movies. I’m certainly not perfect and I don’t expect that you will be either, but if we’re lucky, maybe, just maybe, we’ll be perfect enough for each other (flaws and all) and can enjoy good times and good company as part of a friendship that evolves into a meaningful long-term relationship.  If any of this description sounds good to you and you’re a like-minded Jewish guy, 45-60, actively engaged in Jewish life, I look forward to hearing from you.

Apparently, hope springs eternal.

10-11-12

Although I have little affinity for numbers, for much of my adult life I’ve been fascinated with dates—such as today—that have some order or progression to them.  I recall signing in at my summer job (where, in 1977 at 14, I think I was still a volunteer) at the Franklin Township Public Library when the date was 7-7-77.

Many years later on July 8, 1990, I watched Charles Kuralt quip on CBS Sunday Morning about what had happened at 34 minutes and 56 seconds after midnight (and would happen again at a bit more than half past noon) on that date.  Yes, the time and date readout was a perfect sequence of numbers:  12:34:56 on 7/8/90.

In the early 90s while living in northern New England, I’d randomly point out to anyone who’d listen, let’s say on August 8, 1992, that “Sixteen years from today, it will be 08-08-08.”  In the same vein, I’d note, on April 3, 1995, let’s say, that “Seventy-four years ago today, it was 4-3-21.”  This quirky habit continued through the turn of the century and, once I’d relocated to Los Angeles, with my new friends and colleagues out there.

It should come as no surprise, then, that in the wee hours of today a Los Angeles friend (who now lives in West Virginia) sent me this Facebook message:  

Let me be the first (and probably only!) to wish you a happy 10/11/12!!! :-)

She may have been the first, but she definitely was not the only.  At 8:34 a.m., my former boss from New Hampshire (who now lives in western Pennsylvania) forwarded to me this email he’d received earlier in the morning from his daughter:

From: Scott’s Daughter [mailto:scottsdaughter@gmail.com]

Sent: Thursday, October 11, 2012 8:11 AM

To: Scott

Subject: In place of Jane

Since Jane Herman isn't here to remind you......

Today is 10/11/12

:)

Enjoy it, everyone.  It won’t be 10-11-12 again until 100 years from today!