#BlogElul: Looking for Love

As someone who has yet to stumble upon my bashert, I'm always interested to learn how individuals who are one half of a loving couple met originally. Answers often include:  in college, online, at a bar, at a singles' event, sitting next to each other on a plane or train, or fixed up by a mutual friend.

Funny, nobody ever says, "I met my bashert on Craigslist."

That idea got me to thinking...

Cue the dreamy, I'm-leaving-reality music...

 

Dear Craigslist,

I know that in addition to making matches between buyers and sellers of furniture, apartments, cars and jobs, among other things, you’ve also got quite a reputation as a forum for people in search of casual sex, friends with benefits and no-strings attached relationships, none of which is of interest to me. However, tired of waiting around for someone to fix me up, and frustrated with Jdate, match.com, eharmony and other more traditional online and offline venues for finding someone for a date (and maybe, just maybe, a great relationship over time), I’m turning to you in the hopes that you might be able to help me out here.   

1. I’m 51, so when I say “fifty-something” or “age appropriate,” I don’t mean 28 and I don’t mean 63. Fifty to 57 would be great.
2. I’m Jewish and although not religious in the traditional sense, it is an important part of my life in a liberal sort of way. Therefore, Jewish guys who still retain some attachment (even if it’s mostly cultural) to their heritage are most desirable.
3. Although I’m not looking to get married again (at least not at the moment), I also am not interested in meeting guys who already are married or are not quite divorced. It would be great if you could limit your selections for me to guys who are fully divorced, widowed or single, in that order.
4. I don’t have a specific “type” in mind when it comes to guys and I don’t much care about hair color, eye color or that sort of thing. At the same time, at 5’5”, I do appreciate guys who are at least 5’7” or 5'8". Please feel free to let your pool of candidates know that I’m height and weight proportionate (and stay that way with the help of the treadmill nearly every other day). I’ve got long, curly auburn hair, brown eyes and a great smile. I will be happy to send a recent picture (in which I am wearing neither baseball cap nor sunglasses) to serious suitors once we’ve exchanged a few emails and I expect that they’ll do the same.
5. Much more important to me than looks, though, is that you do your best to send me a mensch. Of course I don’t expect perfection (I’m old enough and seasoned enough to know that it only exists in fairy tales and the movies), but I would love to spend time getting to know someone who is honest, gentle and kind, seriously interested in finding the right somebody and not into playing games. I don’t really care about how much money he makes, whether or not he travels annually to the Caribbean or how many electronic gadgets he owns. Speaking of electronic gadgets, though, if we do decide to meet and chat over coffee or a drink (my preference for a first get-together), it’d be nice if he’d turn off his phone and wait until later to check his messages and emails.
6. I live and work in Manhattan and would like to meet a “local” guy. I’m also am open to guys who live in the other four boroughs, as well as close by in Westchester and New Jersey. However, Florida, Maine, and upstate New York are a bit out of the question. Some consideration of geographic boundaries would be greatly appreciated.
7. I know that these are tough economic times, but gainful, satisfying employment is a big plus as are solo living quarters unless, of course, the guy shares space with his kids – either full-time or part-time. (Although I don’t have any of my own and am way too old to have any in the future--I’m 51, after all—I’m definitely open to having other people’s kids in my life and hope that the guy you send me has a positive, loving relationship with his.) 
8. Although I don’t expect a response that rivals the Great American Novel, I do appreciate a few thoughtful, carefully written sentences about the guy you’re sending me. I’d love for him to tell me a bit about himself and his life, as well as what positive attributes he’d bring to a meaningful long-term relationship. Most undesirable in the response category are one-liners, canned text, photos with no words (and no shirts), and the totally out-of-context imperative “call me” with a phone number.
9. I know you won’t necessarily send me a guy who’s a carbon copy of me (that’d be boring), but it would be great if he and I had some shared values. (I know, I know…this is Craigslist. What am I thinking?!) High on my list are smarts, honesty, integrity, intellectual curiosity, kindness, family, friends and other things money can’t buy. Please don't send me guys who lie, steal or cheat.
10. Lastly, to make this thing really work, I hope you’ll be able to send me someone with whom I have that all elusive chemistry. Ideally, we’ll have an emotional, intellectual and physical spark that together we can coax into a wonderfully warm and glowing relationship that keeps us both from having to be in touch with you again for a long time to come (unless we’ve got an old desk or dining room table to sell!). 

Craigslist, I know that I may be asking for a lot here, but I’m optimistic that with these explicit instructions you may be able to come through for me, helping me bump into my bashert in the new year. Thanks for your careful consideration of my requests. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

~ JanetheWriter

Inspired by Ima on (and off) the Bima, this #BlogElul post is one in a series marking the days of the Hebrew month of Elul, which precedes the Jewish High Holidays and traditionally serves as a time of reflection and spiritual preparation for the new year. 

Let’s Play the Dating Game

The prompt:  This week, we want you to recall the games you played when you were young.
Did you love Monopoly, Yahtzee, or Uno? Or did you prefer backgammon, Trouble, or Scrabble?
Write a piece that explores one of your memories.
Let's have a 600 word limit.
 
Seated at the bar, but close to the door, he’d recognized her as soon as she walked in, hugged her, and motioned for her to take the empty seat next to his.  Once they settled in—he with a refill on his Ketel One, she with a sweating glass of Chardonnay--the words flowed.  It was good to put a face to the voice and to pick up where they’d left off over the phone—all without the rippling silence that often descends like fog on such first-time conversations. 

A while later, the hostess led them to a cozy corner table.  Was this chance or had he arranged it in advance?  No matter.  Their gentle dialogue was the perfect complement to the meal, and by the time they left to walk off dinner, there seemed to be a comfortable easiness between them.

“This was great,” he offered, as they approached the train station.

“It was.  Thanks again for dinner and a very enjoyable evening.”

“I’d like to do this again soon.  Give me a few days and I’ll be in touch.”

“Sure…that’d be nice.  Look forward to it.”

Another hug and he was lost in the crowd.  She headed up the block to catch the bus.

*  *  *

And so it was that she'd wasted yet another night playing the dating game.

Of course he didn’t call…they never do.

So now she plays Facebook Scrabble instead, waiting patiently for the page to reload so she can take her turn with the tiles.

Remembe(RED) is the memoir meme of The Red Dress Club.  Thanks for reading...and feel free to offer thoughts, ideas and/or constructive criticism.  I appreciate hearing what you have to say.

Is this "Punny"...or Does it Suck?

Although I’m certainly not ready to pick up my tuba and go marching in The Schmuck Parade anytime soon, I recently was inspired (OK, maybe I was just seeking an escape from “sad”) by two friends’ Facebook exchange to draft this personal ad:

Are you dating in a vacuum?!

Youthful 40-something DJF with a wide, varied and growing circle of family, friends and interests seeks S/DJM for a “meet and greet” that doesn't suck as much as a Bissell. If we’re lucky, intellectual, emotional and physical sparks (but no dust, dirt or dander) will fly and we’ll get swept up in a meaningful long-term relationship that's built slowly on trust, shared values, honesty and a gut reaction that "this is a good thing."

Desire quiet, upright, bagless (relatively little baggage) and age-appropriate Jewish guy (45-55) with attachments to family, friends and other things money can't buy. Bonus points if you know a bisel from a Hoover and retain ties to your religious upbringing that you'd be willing to share if, in fact, we find we're bashert.

To describe the exceedingly small number of replies as “dismal” would be an understatement…especially this one, which--perhaps inspired by this week’s celebration of Tu B’Av?--appears to be a particularly bad fit:

Hi:
I saw your CL post. I am on my way to work. So I will be brief.
Here is my info:
55
5'6

220

divorced dad of 5 kids (2 are married and living far away) - at home - 19b 16b 15g - 24x7

orthodox - shabbos - minyan 3x/day (usually)

mostly right wing with some deviations into the left

live in Brooklyn

Am I eligible?

What, pray tell, on God's green earth makes this guy think he's "eligible?!?" I responded with this:

Thanks, but no...you're not eligible. I'm a liberal Reform Jew and although I attend a Shabbat minyan, the chasm is just too wide.

Thanks for being in touch...good luck to you.

To which he responded:

Good Luck to You.

If you chance across an orthodox woman, mention me. Thanks.

Sure. Will do, buddy…

Search: "Jewish"

I was interested to catch this article in today's edition of the Cleveland Jewish News. Ironically, it came to me by way of a daily Google Alert for “Reform Judaism” that I set up several months ago.

Equally ironic, at about the same time I set up that Google Alert, I also set up one for “Anti-Semitism” and, in light of my studies this semester—a course entitled “Anti-Semitism and Public Policy”—(and despite what the article says), I am grateful for the links to relevant news stories and blogs that land in my in box each day. Many are put to good use in class each week where a discussion of “What’s happening in the world?” begins each session.

As far as turning to the Web to find my beshert, I guess I’m still optimistic (and not quite sure why) about this seemingly outmoded venue. Sometimes, as a break from my studies and against my better judgment, I’ll visit the “men seeking women” section of Craigslist and search for “Jewish.” Invariably, my search returns the usual list of unsavory suspects—married men, those seeking friends with benefits, and a host of wack-jobs looking for things not suitable to mention on a “family blog.”

From time to time, I’ll even post my own ad in the “women seeking men” section of the site. In fact, on Wednesday night, I posted this ad (including the cute little turkey):

Don't be a turkey...answer this ad - 46 (New York City)

Real, down-to-earth and youthful 40-something Jewish woman with much to be thankful for seeks a mensch in the hope that compatibility and friendship might lead to something more.

Please be Jewish, kind, gentle, real, age-appropriate and not already married. If you fit these criteria, don't be a turkey...answer this ad. Happy Thanksgiving.

So, what’d my net pull in this time? Among others, I caught these turkeys:

Guy #1 sent his phone number with this note: “Hi! I am not a turkey nor Jewish but I would love to meet you...” Ummm, I don’t think so.

Guy #2 responded with this: “Gobble, gobble” and a picture of himself playing the guitar. We’ve exchanged a few emails previously, but my photo appears to be the deal breaker. Oh well…

Guy #3 isn’t really in the market for his beshert, but is testing a brand new “100% free Jewish dating site” he recently developed. His email asks that I register, but my experience tells me that these JDate wannabes aren’t worth much. Kudos to him for trying, but I’ll pass…

And finally this: You may remember Guy #4 from a previous post on this blog. In that post, he was Guy #8, but regardless of his place on my list, he’s still 50 years old (although he’s been answering my posts for a year and a half), he still claims to have brown hair, and he’s a pro at cutting and pasting—the exact same response every single time.

Hmmmm…is it any wonder that fewer Jews are turning to the web to find their beshert? Perhaps it's time for me to join the others in stepping away from the computer...

Haiku Madness

Back in April on this blog, I considered using the following haiku as a personal ad, but ultimately rejected the idea:

Jewish girl seeks mensch
Coffee or drinks for to start
Sparks fly and we match

In response to that post, my friend Larry Kaufman wrote this:

If you post haiku
Maybe you'll get a call from
Someone Jewpanese.

Yesterday, inspired by Rabbi Joe Black’s Facebook status (Standing at the mountain. Lots of smoke and noise.), I wrote and posted the following haiku as a personal ad:

Saw you at Sinai
Celebrating that day now
Should we reconnect?

40-something DJF seeks similarly aged mensch for LTR.
Substantive note and photo appreciated.
Chag sameach.

Sadly, the responses have been scarce and not exactly on target. With just one exception, these guys probably weren’t even at the smoky, noisy mountain oh-so long ago.

Guy #1, while he may be a perfectly nice guy, describes himself as Indian American. Like I said, not exactly on target…

Guy #2, apparently burned by an underage internet dater, wanted me to verify my age using AgeProtect. Um, no, I don’t think so…

Guy #3 is a 28-year old German living in New York City.

Guy #4, although Jewish, is 34 and wants to know “what 40-something means.”

Alas, reconnecting with someone from the mountain doesn’t seem like it’s going to happen anytime soon. Perhaps another haiku is in order:

‘Twas crowded up there
Lots of guys to choose from then
Where did they all go?

Happy Easter to You, Too

One more “Schmuck Parade” story and then I promise I’ll move on…

Recently, I signed up on plentyoffish.com, a free internet dating site. As you might imagine, because it’s free, it’s filled with ads and not as well organized or user friendly as JDate.com or match.com. Nonetheless, my profile’s been seeing more action there than elsewhere so for the time being, I’ll keep my line in the water.

Yesterday, I received the following email from 32-year-old Mike, a guy who doesn’t happen to be Jewish:

“You come across as very friendly and down to earth. Would you like to talk?”

Kudos to him for reaching out, for being in the right city, for writing two separate and distinct sentences, and for using proper punctuation in each one. Believe me, that’s more than I get from most.

Given his age and his religious affiliation, however, I wrote back: “Hi and thanks for your note. I appreciate your interest, but I am in search of a 40-something Jewish guy. Good luck to you.”

To which he replied: “I hope you find what you are looking for. Happy Easter.”

Oy gevalt!