A Tale of Two Jeffs: Lucky or Schmucky?

In response to my Rosh Hashana personal ad, which you can read here, I received a number of responses including from Guy #1, who initially wrote to me on September 21. For a few days we had a nice back-and-forth on email, including an exchange of photos. Then nothing until this email on October 1:

Hi Jane.

I hope you enjoyed the holidays. Sorry for the delay in my reply. I ran into someone from my past during the week and we are going to see what might develop, again. I expect being a NYer that you will understand. Thank you.

Best wishes,
Jeff

Based on my experience, such a note is fairly par for the course in the online dating world and I probably wouldn’t have given it much thought (although I did wonder what being a New Yorker had to do with my level of understanding) except that it was déjà vu all over again.

Back in June, in response to a different personal ad, I had an equally nice exchange with Guy #2. It started on June 25, included a photo swap and then, like with Guy #1, ended thusly on July 1:

Hi Jane,

I thought I had mentioned I was in real estate. Seven days a week is not uncommon! I ran into a girl I was seeing a few months ago and we decided to give it another try.... So at this point in time, I am off the market! There is only enough of me to go around for one at a time.

Take care.
Jeffrey

So, do you think these two Jeffs really got lucky and reconnected with old flames or were they just trying to be polite in their own shmucky sort of way?

You decide.

Shana Tova: A Craigslist Sampler

For all the obvious reasons, I really should give up posting personal ads on Craigslist. However, like Rev. Christine Shiber, a newly divorced 50-something profiled in a story in last week’s New York Times, I’ve found it’s the venue that brings the most responses. As she says, “While it’s glorious to have the freedom to divorce and create a better life, we’re not in college anymore with an unlimited supply of men our age.” Also like Rev. Shiber, experience has made me somewhat adept at discerning the good from the bad in this crazy cyber-marketplace, and so it is that on Friday, I posted this ad:

Shana tova - 46 (New York City)

Will you be eating chicken soup and brisket at a holiday table tonight, grateful to have friends and family close by with whom to celebrate?

Perhaps tomorrow morning you’ll park your tush in a pew at a synagogue in the tri-state area? After services you’ll be glad to loosen your tie and get home, optimistic that good things are in store for you in 5770. Am I right?

If one of the good things you’re hoping for is to meet someone special, I’d like to hear from you. I’m 46, youthful, Jewish, attractive (although ultimately you have to decide that for yourself), and have lots to offer the right guy. You should be age appropriate, Jewish, not already married, and, most important, real.

Shana tova.

Here’s a sampling of the more than 20 replies caught in my net:

Guy #1, bless his heart, wrote: “For various reasons (including age), I don't think you'd be interested in me, but I just wanted to wish you a shana tova, and I hope this year brings you happiness in every area of your life!”

Guy #2 has answered previous ads of mine with a photo and a brief note worthy of a reply. When I've reciprocated with a note and my photo (yes, the same one that’s up at the top of this page over there on the right), he hasn't written back. Apparently the photo is a deal breaker for him. Oh well…

Guy #3 is really Guy #3 and Gal #1. They claim to be Jewish and “seeking to develop an ongoing friendship with an exceptional woman!” Oy…par for the course on Craigslist, though, and the raison d'être for the delete key!

Guy #4 is named Tony Porcelli. (No, not really… I changed it to protect his innocence, but, trust me, the real one is equally Italian.) And, although I know that it’s dangerous to make assumptions based solely on names and the appearance of things – marit ayin, I think, is the expression in Hebrew – when I Googled his actual name, he came up as the owner of a general contracting company on Long Island. Jewish? No, despite his correct use of spilkes and tsuris, not so much.

Guy #5 wrote this:

Hi,
I don't know if your [sic] Conservative or Orthodox...
Is it that hard to meet a nice guy in shul????
I'm married, Jewish & you don't want me..
However.... You seem nice.. so I am trying to help...
My only advice for you... don't settle...
If you look hard, you'll find a nice Jewish guy...

Thanks, Guy #5. Yes, it is that hard to meet a nice guy in shul (or anywhere, it seems), but I’m trying. I’m definitely trying…

The Parade Marches On

Tomorrow night marks the beginning of Tu B’Av, a minor Jewish festival that is best described as the “Jewish Valentine’s Day.” Earlier today, in an attempt to help a colleague locate congregations that do creative programming for the 40+ singles set, I wrote a short post for the Union’s blog that incorporates information about this holiday. In it, I said, “…in this instance I'm actually not looking.”

As readers of this blog know, however, I’m always looking -- and so it was that over the weekend I posted this online personal ad:

Share and share alike - 46

Bright, sincere, attractive, fun, funny and down-to-earth (but certainly not perfect) 40-something happily DJF with no kids, manageable baggage, and a rich and balanced life seeks age appropriate, honest, gentle, kind, liberal Jewish guy for sharing long strolls, silly jokes, dessert, smiles and laughter, knowing glances, romantic dinners, time at home, bumps in the road, playful banter, meaningful conversations, walks in the woods, Scrabble games, hugs and kisses, lazy weekends, secrets, movie popcorn, time away, new adventures, favorite places, ice cream sundaes, books and music, ideas, Ferris wheel and subway rides, dim sum, the Sunday Times, hopes, dreams, wishes, and more.

Tu B’Av not withstanding I received the usual, predictable replies:

Guy #1 is 32 years old.

Guy #2 is Indian.

Guy #3 responded (for the seventh time to one of my posts) with the exact same text and photo he’s been using for the last year and a half. And, although he’s a perfectly nice enough guy (I know because we met for coffee after one of his first replies), he’s not the right one for me.

Guy #4 also has answered previous posts of mine (four to be exact) and, yes, like Guy #3, he’s done so with the exact same verbiage every time. Early on (more than two years ago), we traded a few emails and in that exchange he said, “Just wanted to know if you were specifically looking for a Jewish male as I’m not.” I replied thusly: “Alas, I am seeking a Jewish guy.”

Guy #5 is 62 years old and, although he, too, may be a perfectly nice guy, in my mind, he’s too old for me. My loss? Perhaps, but at 46 (and a youthful 46 at that), it’s a loss I’m willing to bear.

Guys #6 and #7 are modern Orthodox. One of them came to Orthodoxy by way of NFTY and Eisner. (All of this I learned from earlier exchanges with each of them following replies to previous posts of mine.) Again, my loss? No, I don’t think so. Like so many of the others, these two may be perfectly nice guys…just not right for me.

Guy #8 described himself as “50 years old, 5'6, slim, with brown hair and green eyes.” Having met this guy a little over a year ago, I can tell you that he’s been 50 for a mighty long time. And, although he may see brown when he looks in the mirror, I definitely saw gray. Don’t get me wrong…there’s nothing wrong with gray, but there is something wrong with his not being honest with himself or with others.

I could go on (and on and on), but I'm sure that by now you get the picture.

And yet, I'm not willing to give up entirely on the personal ads. I am, however, ready to add some new approaches to the mix.

Lucky for me, this coming weekend, I’ll be attending a wedding. A note on the carpool page of the couple’s website (yes, it appears they thought of everything!) says, “Putting compatible people together is, of course, one of the purposes of a wedding.”

Hmmmm….perhaps in addition to uniting the bride and groom as husband and wife, this event will indeed put other compatible people together?

You never know; you just never know…

My Passover Match

Ever the optimist and not willing to let a corny, seasonal poem go to waste, I posted this personal ad on Friday morning:

Last night was the seder,
With friends I did dine,
Lots of good food,
And four cups of wine.
The seat next to mine was empty last night,
But other than that, my life is just right.

Where are you, my mensch?
Why can’t you see,
That I could be the one for thee?
I'm smart and I'm funny,
A really good catch,
Perhaps you are my
Passover match?

I live on the east side, have a job I adore,
Am seeking a great guy, not asking for more.
Neither too fat nor too thin,
I'm just the right size,
With auburn hair and nice brown eyes.

You are kind and gentle, Jewish and more,
At least 40-something and not a big bore.
You're seeking a woman, a smart one to boot,
To find her on Craigslist, wouldn't that be a hoot?

You read the Times to get the news,
You care about Israel, what's good for the Jews.
Your family is central, you sedered with them,
Some chicken and matzah and lots of flanken.

You've got your own place, it's filled with great books,
These things are important, as much as your looks.
Your job and your friends, they all are fulfillin',
The only thing missing's a wonderful woman.

You asked the four questions,
You opened the door,
You ate lots of matzah,
Swept the crumbs from the floor.

Now that the seder is over,
And you've had your fill,
Drop me a line,
I sure hope that you will.

Answer this post,
There's no time to waste,
If you're not a good typist,
Use Word’s cut and paste.

I hope that you’ll write and tell me the score,
Tell me your name and some things you adore.
Music? The city? Browsing for books?
Good food and wine or watching a flick?
Just what is it that makes you tick?

Who are you? What do you do?
What are your dreams for love so true?
Send me a post and tell me more,
For you, like Elijah, I'll open the door!

In less than 48 hours, I’ve received 20 responses, only a handful of which deserve a reply.

Here’s a small sample:

Guy #1, I’ll call him “Spero” because of his obviously Hellenistic name, wrote, “I am 24 and live in Brooklyn. Mail me back if you are interested.”

Guy #2, possibly a nice Jewish guy, lives in Philadelphia.

Guys #3 and #4 are married.

Guy #5 wants to know if I speak in rhyme.

Guy #6 wrote: “I’m 50, divorced, no kids, live in Brooklyn, nice to meet you, Happy Pesach.” While this message might be deserving of a reply, two weeks ago when this same “Romeo” answered a different ad of mine, he was 48. Funny how that aging thing works…

One more and then I must go do the laundry…

Guy #7, although not Jewish, sent what turned out to be the most promising response: “Hello, I'm not Jewish, but just had to say, really enjoyed your posting. The guy meant for you will be very lucky to have you in his presence. Good luck & happy holidays!!!!!!!!”

I responded with this: “Thanks for your note...much appreciated.
If you happen to run into that guy who's meant for me, please send him in my direction! :)
Thanks!”

And he came back with this: I have some Jewish friends, they're married, but I'll ask if family members are looking. Let's keep in touch!!!!!!!!!”

To which I responded: ”I'm a big believer in networking and serendipity so I'll take whatever leads you may uncover! You just never know... :)
Enjoy the holiday weekend.”

And, in fact, you do never know… Maybe Guy #7 actually will come through with a mensch for me.

This is, after all, the season of hope, rebirth and renewal.

A Passover Poetry Saga

At this season in 2007, I posted the following personal ad:

This night is the seder,
With friends you will dine,
Lots of good food,
Four cups of wine.
The seat next mine will be empty tonight,
So many good men have all taken flight.

Where are you, my mensch?
Why can't you see,
That I could be the one for thee?
I'm smart and I'm funny,
A really good catch,
Perhaps you are my Passover match.

I live on the east side, have a job I adore,
My hair is quite curly, my age: 44.
Neither too fat or too thin,
I'm just the right size,
With auburn hair and big brown eyes.

You are kind and gentle, Jewish and more,
At least 40-something and not a big bore.
You're seeking a woman, a smart one to boot,
To find her on Craigslist, wouldn't that be a hoot?

You read the Times, not the Post or the News,
You care about Israel, what's good for the Jews.
Your family is central, tonight you're with them,
Eating chicken, matzah and lots of flanken.

You've got your own place, it's filled with great books,
These things are important, much more than your looks.
Your job and your friends, they all are fulfillin',
The only thing missing's a wonderful woman.

Ask the four questions,
Open the door,
Eat some more matzah,
Sweep the crumbs from the floor.

When the seder is over,
And you've had your fill,
Drop me a line,
I sure hope that you will.

Answer this post,
There's no time to waste,
If you're not a good typist,
Use cut and paste.

I hope that you’ll write and tell me the score:
Who are you?
What do you do?
What are your dreams for love so true?
Send me a post and tell me more,
For you, like Elijah, I'll open the door!

As regular readers of this blog will be able to surmise, I received a number of responses – some in rhyme and quite creative – and had some initial, lively email exchanges. And then, as usual, the pool of possibilities evaporated and it was back to normal -- as dry and narrow as Mitzrayim.

Last year, unable to make a good rhyme with "forty-five," (jive, beehive and revive just didn't do it), I deleted the specific reference to my age in the third stanza and posted a slightly revised version of the ad. Again, the same results. Before long, just like the Israelites, I was wandering in a dry, narrow dating desert.

This year, inspired by some Purim limericks on Facebook, I posted this ad:

There once was a Passover seder,
Led by my dad from what he learned in the cheder.
He is a great dad,
For him I am glad,
But would love a new guy on the radar.

Happily divorced 40-something JF seeks age appropriate S/DJM for meaningful LTR.
I’ve been wandering in the dating desert way too long.
Maybe we can find the Promised Land together?!

Guess what? You got it…once again, the same results. And, in some cases, worse. Without meaning to sound judgmental (although I’m not sure it can be avoided), there’s no way that Shlomo from Brooklyn is a good match for me. Neither is 27-year-old Eduard who arrived from Germany last year.

Perhaps less is more and I should try a haiku?

Jewish girl seeks mensch
Coffee or drinks for to start
Sparks fly and we match

Maybe? Nah...not likely.

We're Sorry, Your Date Has Been Canceled

When I started this blog nearly two months ago, I promised myself that unlike the proprietor of the Dating at Forty blog, I would write about more than my dating escapades and various marches in the “Schmuck Parade.” And, in fact, I think that I’ve done a fairly decent job of maintaining a balance among serious, frivolous and dating posts. In part, that’s because in reality, I go on far fewer dates than the number that actually get scheduled.

A few cases in point:

Back in May, I answered Guy #1’s ad on Craigslist. The subject line was: “Why isn’t the day after Tu Bishvat Three Bishvat?” We had a pleasant enough email exchange that went on for about a week and ended with arrangements to meet at a local wine bar. The day before, I received the following email from him: ” I need to reschedule tomorrow. A client needs a meeting and tomorrow night makes the most sense. Sorry. Raincheck?” I responded thusly, “Sure, a raincheck is no problem. Just let me know when you want to reschedule.” Maybe he’s waiting for 2015?

Last month Guy #2 answered my ad on Craigslist and, as with Guy #1, we had a very nice email exchange over the course of several days. He invited me out for dinner and we agreed to meet one night the week before Rosh Hashana. That morning, he emailed me and said, “ I just got to work and found out the guy I work with had an emergency appendectomy last night. I'm going to be stuck here late this week as I'm taking off from Friday to head to Florida to see my mom and spend the Jewish holidays with her. I'll contact you when I get back. Happy New Year.” Kudos to Guy #2 for making the Big Schlep to Florida for the high holidays. Do you think that now that Simchat Torah is over and we’re about to enter Cheshvan I’ll hear from him? Me either…

One more. At the beginning of this month, I answered a Craigslist ad of Guy #3, a “DJM looking for the long term.” After a lively email exchange (where have I heard this before?!) and a few brief phone conversations, during which he sounded like a good guy, we made plans to meet for dinner last Friday. That morning, Guy #3 called to say that he wasn’t feeling well and as much as he was looking forward to dinner that evening, he would need to postpone. He definitely wanted to reschedule for one night next week, though. No problem, I told him. Feel better, I said, and give me a call when you do. It’s now the middle of “next week” and guess what? Right…nothing from Guy #3.

So, is it that these guys have the attention span of a gnat and can’t remember to follow-up? Or, is it that they have such endless choices when it comes to women that some just inevitably fall by the wayside? Or, as I’ve been arguing all along, is it that they really are schmucks and this is how they deal with the world? I can’t decide…can you?

Drinks in the Sukkah?

A short article in today’s New York Times about the Chabad sukkah in Bryant Park confirmed that many New Yorkers, myself included, lack the outdoor space necessary for a sukkah.

It was this idea, in fact, that prompted me to post the following ad on Craigslist:

Drinks in the Sukkah? (Midtown East)

Reply to: mailto:pers-879543629@craigslist.org?subject=Drinks%20in%20the%20Sukkah%3f%20(Midtown%20East)
Date: 2008-10-14, 8:35PM EDT

It’s Sukkot, the weather’s still nice…how about drinks in the sukkah? Oh, but wait, this is Manhattan and unlike the Orthodox over in Brooklyn, I don’t have a sukkah. No matter…drinks alfresco will be just fine.

Forty-something happily DJF with no kids, manageable baggage and lots to offer the right guy is looking for a spark that might ignite into a meaningful long-term relationship with a contentedly divorced (or equally seasoned) Jewish male (45-52).

Drop me a line and perhaps we can find an outdoor garden or patio to double as a sukkah for a get-to-know-you drink or two.

In response to what I considered a creative and timely post, I received seven less-than-stellar replies:

Guy #1 wrote, and I quote, “now manhattan”

Guy #2 asked, “Do you have a picture?”

Guy #3 described his 2500 square foot roof including the view, the Pino Grigio in the wine cooler and the “incredible” spa/hot tub. Sadly, he didn’t say a word about himself.

Guy #4, thankfully, did tell me a bit about himself. However, he did so using the exact same canned response he’d sent to me on 17 previous occasions. One of the earlier ones did, in fact, evolve into a brief email exchange, but it ended when he wrote, “I will call you at the number in your last email.” Guess what didn’t happen?

Guy #5 wrote, “Hi, sorry, I'm married, but what the heck.”

Guy #6 described himself as a modern Orthodox/conservadox Long Islander, and although he may be a perfectly nice guy, my instincts tell me that he’s not the right one for me.

Guy #7, a 34-year-old lawyer, wrote that he’s sure that we’d get along well and that I should “ignore the barriers.”

If it feels as though you’ve read this post before, it’s not déjà vu…just an earlier post about incredibly similar replies to a different Craigslist ad.

In light of all of these, I think I’ll skip posting another ad for Simchat Torah. Maybe for Hanukkah…

Baby Boy Jdate -- 917-542-6779

The other day it occurred to me that if I ever lose my cell phone (pooh, pooh, pooh, as one of my colleagues is known to say), it could come in quite handy as a tool for soon-to-be-parents of a little boy. After months of prowling around on various internet dating sites, it’s filled with saved phone numbers of guys with baby boy names popular in the late 1950s and early 1960s--Andrew, David, Harold, Howard, Jeffrey, Jerry, Kevin, Mark, Matthew, Peter, Richie, Ron, Scott, Sheldon, Sid, Steve and Ziv—all of whom (in my phone) have one of only two surnames: Jdate or Craigslist.

But, lest you think I’ve spoken with all of these guys, let me set you straight. Although lively and promising email exchanges often start our conversations, they frequently evaporate abruptly into nothingness—seemingly without cause. So, too, do the guys' promises to call. However, when asked, I always send along my cell phone number. And, when they send theirs, I generally say that I prefer to receive, not to make, the first call. (Yes, I am old fashioned that way.) Regardless, their names and numbers go immediately into my phone. That way, in the unlikely event that one or another of them does call, I can see from the phone's display before I answer that it's "Jerry Jdate" or "Kevin Craigslist" on the other end of the line.

However, with a new year upon us, I think a resolution is in order: The next time a guy sends me his cell phone number, I’ll pick up the phone and dial it. Stay tuned…

The Graduates

Yesterday, yet again, I posted a personal ad on Craigslist. Entitled “Ode to a Mensch,” it reads as follows:

So here you are,
You’re browsing the ads,
You want something lasting,
Not just a fad.

You are kind and gentle, Jewish and more,
At least 40-something and not a big bore.
You're seeking a woman, a smart one to boot,
To find her on Craigslist, wouldn't that be a hoot?

You’re honest and smart,
A really nice catch,
You love dogs and kids,
Perhaps you’re my match?

I live on the east side, my world is alive,
I’m sweet and I’m funny, my age: 45.
I read lots of books, just a little TV,
Love hanging with others,
Perhaps you and me?

If this little ditty has caught your eye,
Drop me a line and tell me why.
Tell me, too, what makes you tick,
We can chat by phone or meet for a drink,
If all goes well, maybe a flick?

I hope that you'll write,
And answer this post.
For it is from you,
That I wish to hear most!

Although 13 guys responded to the post, sadly, with one possible exception, none meets my personal criteria of “mensch.” Two, in fact, by virtue of their rapid “reverse aging,” fall squarely into the category of "schmuck.”

Guy #1 and I corresponded a bit back in July. At that time, he was 50. Today, a mere two months later, he’s in his 40s. Amazing…

Guy #2 and I also corresponded previously during the summer. In June, he was 54; today he’s 50. Incredible...

At the rate they're going, they'll "catch up" to me by the end of the year, but soon enough they'll be Benjamin Braddock.

Me...Mrs. Robinson? No thanks, I’ll just keep looking for my mensch.

The Five Senses

In my first post on this blog, I spelled out some “do’s and don’ts” for guys who answer the ads I post on craigslist. Clearly, those guys are not reading this blog.

Ever the optimist, though, this morning I posted yet another ad in the W4M dating/romance/ltr section of that crazy cyber-marketplace:

The Five Senses

I’ve got five good senses: sense of humor, sense of intelligence, sense of kindness, sense of adventure and yes, despite this post, common sense…lol!

This happily (but not bitter) DJF also has 40-some years of life experience and lots to offer the right guy. If you’re 40-something, divorced or equally seasoned, Jewish and not into games, let’s share coffee or a drink to see if it makes sense to share more.

Sensible replies include a bit about you and, of course, your recent photo.

Within 23 minutes I had five (how ironic!) responses:

Guy #1 wrote solely to tell me that I forgot “nonsense.”

Guy #2 sent a one word response: “Pic?”

Guy #3 sent a photo (he’s shirtless on the beach) and these tidbits about himself: 42, 180 lbs, 5'9.

Guy #4 also sent his vital stats, including the fact that he’s Italian.

Guy #5 sent me the canned response he’s sent me on 16 (yes, 16!) previous occasions.

I’m starting to wonder who’s really senseless here: is it the guys or…is it me?!

Are My Standards Too High?

Back in May, I started writing as a staff voice on the Union for Reform Judaism’s newly launched blog. Since then, and after hearing repeatedly about my escapades in dating, "lovingly" referred to by me as marching in "The Schmuck Parade,” a number of colleagues and friends have told me that I should write a blog. Finally, I’ve decided to take these folks up on their suggestion. At this point, I’m not sure exactly where this writing pad of the 21st century will lead me, but I’m glad you stopped by and hope that you’ll come back again soon.

OK…ready? Here goes…

Frustrated with jdate.com, match.com and other internet dating venues, I’ve been posting serious W4M (woman for man) ads on the dating/romance/ltr section of craigslist for some time now. Needless to say, the replies and some of the dates that have resulted have been quite an eye-opening experience and in recent months, I’ve picked up on some “do’s and don’ts” that I’d like to share, particularly with the guys who answer such ads.

1. Please read my ad carefully. It will tell you a fair bit about me and what I’m seeking in a relationship.

2. If you are married, otherwise engaged in a relationship, or looking for a FWB (friends with benefits) or NSA (no strings attached) encounter, please do not respond to my ad. It will be a waste of time for both of us.

3. If you do choose to respond, please take a few minutes to craft a personal response. I’m no English teacher, but complete sentences, proper grammar, punctuation (especially the correct placement of apostrophes) and capitalization, as well as proofreading and spell checking will earn you bonus points.

4. Please do not send me the canned response, one liner, photo or phone number you send to everyone – including to me on previous occasions.

5. If I share my photo and you are interested enough to want to continue the conversation, please send one in return, preferably one in which you’re not wearing sunglasses, but you are wearing a shirt. “Pic?” is not an appropriate response to my ad.

6. Please respect the age and religion parameters set out in my ad. A "40-something DJF seeking an age-appropriate Jewish guy" leaves some room for interpretation, but if you have to ask if you're too old or too young (or comment on the fact that you think you may be), you probably are. And, if you have to ask what the "J" stands for, forget it.

7. Please do not email me endlessly. If you're interested in moving the conversation forward, it would be great if you'd suggest that we speak on the phone and/or meet for coffee or a drink. If you're not interested, it's even easier: don't hit "Reply." I'll get the message.

8. Please do not ask for my phone number unless you intend to call. If you do intend to call, please don’t wait three weeks to do so, and when you do, please call at a reasonable hour, preferably before 11 p.m.

9. If you ask me to meet you for coffee or a drink, I don’t expect you to wear a suit and tie, but please don’t show up in a sweatshirt and sneakers or with five o’clock shadow (unless it is after work). And, since you invited me, it’d be nice if you’d actually spring for the coffee, too.

10. Please refrain from using excessively foul language. It’s a turn-off.

11. Likewise, please don’t try to impress me with who you know, how much money you have, your job responsibilities, your globe-trotting travels or your high-powered friends and relatives. I really just want to know about who you are as a person – not about all your worldly trappings and accomplishments.

12. If you want to be in touch again after we meet, that’s fine, but please don’t say you’ll call or email if you’re really going home to look at the newest craigslist ads or jdate profiles.

13. If you leave it up to me to be in touch after a coffee date and I don’t call or email, please don’t contact me to ask why I haven’t called or emailed.

14. Oh yes, one more thing: Thanks for reading and good luck finding whatever it is that you’re seeking in this crazy cyber-marketplace.

So...what do you think? Are my standards too high?