Saturday, May 19, 2018

Honor Thy Father and Mother

We are a people in whom the past endures,
in whom the present in inconceivable without moments gone by.
The Exodus lasted a moment, a moment enduring forever.
What happened once upon a time happens all the time.
-- Mishkan T’filah
At tonight’s Shavuot learning program at Temple Shaaray Tefila, the 10 Commandments were taught by 10 different teachers, each of whom had 10 minutes to make a presentation about one of the commandments. Cantor Todd Kipnis, in teaching about the fourth commandment – Honor thy father and mother – shared an essay his mother wrote about honoring her mother at a time in their lives when their roles largely were reversed. The daughter became the mother; the mother became the daughter.

His mother’s essay provoked in me a flood of tears, not only because of what she wrote and how she wrote it, but also because of the memories it evoked of how our family honored my mother eight years ago on this exact date, May 19, 2010.

It was on that date that I wrote two entries on my mother’s CaringBridge site. First, this one:
As many of you already know, the last few weeks have been difficult for my mother. During this last week in particular, her condition has deteriorated significantly, and she has, despite medication, been in considerable pain. Yesterday, acting upon recommendations from both her oncologist and her long-time internist, my father, my sister, and I agreed that it is now time to follow her wishes and make arrangements for her to enter a hospice facility. Accordingly, we met at length with a hospice nurse, and within the next few days, we expect that my mom will be moved to Haven Hospice at JFK Hospital in Edison (right across the street from her beloved Temple Emanu-El). In the meantime, she is resting comfortably in the hospital, and we, too, are comfortable knowing that we are abiding by my mother’s wishes.

Many of you know, too, that the Festival of Shavuot, which began last night, is my mom’s favorite Jewish holiday. As Rabbi Bravo wrote to a few of her own colleagues yesterday, “Diana would have wanted us to celebrate this holiday, just as she loved Torah and let it be her guide through life. Ironically, she went into the hospital on Pesach, and here we are on Shavuot. Her family and I decided that just as she lived her life by the Jewish calendar, so is she planning her end of days in a similar way.”
Later that same day, having accompanied her (thanks to two kind, young women paramedics) on the ride from the hospital in New Brunswick to the hospice facility in Edison, I wrote this penultimate journal entry:
This afternoon my mother was transferred from Robert Wood Johnson to the hospice facility at JFK Hospital in Edison. When we left her, she was (as she has been for the last few days) unresponsive, but resting comfortably and in no pain. The speed of her deterioration on all fronts during the last several days has been notable and somewhat startling, even to a longtime family friend who has been together with us frequently during the last seven weeks. Having said that, we have reassessed our earlier thoughts regarding visitors, and would prefer that only family, clergy, and close friends visit. We want your memories of my mother to be filled with laughter, happy times, and much goodness. We are, of course, grateful for your outpouring of care and love on this site and invite you to continue to share your thoughts with us.
I know that we honored my mother well on that day. I like to think, too, that excepting for a few teenage temper tantrums, I honored her well throughout all her days, and that for the rest of my own days, I will continue to honor her memory and her well-lived life.

Tuesday, May 15, 2018

Happy Mother's Day, The Mums

Dear The Mums,

A belated happy Mother’s Day.

I didn’t get to finish this letter on Sunday because I spent the early part of the day cleaning my apartment. I know…I can hear your emphatic “Feh” loud and clear, but the windows were filthy and, as Amy would have said in her younger days, the garbage cans were “overfloating.”

In the midst of cleaning the windows, though, I received the sweetest text from Debbie Bravo, who, eight years ago at this season, was with us night and day. She wrote: “Good morning. Thinking of you on this day. I know it is always a hard day. I always think of your mom at this time of year because I know how much she loved that climb to Sinai.”

Here’s what I wrote back to her: “You are so sweet. Thank you. It was such a hard week for other reasons that the lead up to Mother’s Day sort of took a back seat. It did occur to me, though, that I can imagine my mom now taking up “Talmud Study for Beginners” in Olam haBa.

You probably already know that 10 days ago Aaron Panken was tragically killed when a small plane he was piloting crashed shortly after take-off. As I’m sure you can imagine, the entire Reform world is stunned. Even now, with the funeral and shiva over, it’s going to take a long time for the reality to sink in – most of all for his family, but for everyone else too. So, a new Talmud teacher is coming to Olam haBa – and maybe he’s already there, settling in, arranging some books in his office, putting together a syllabus. If he offers a class for lay people, I know you’ll be first in line to sign up.

In the late afternoon I went to Amy’s because she had to teach at a bankers’ meeting that night, so I stayed with Ian. At 15, he could have stayed by himself for the few hours she was gone, but it’s always more fun for both of us when I “babysit.” We brought in pizza for dinner and then I helped him with a history essay about British imperialism in India. (Sad to say, the kid got your feet, but definitely didn’t inherit any of your writing genes.) Certainly not a traditional Mother’s Day, but also not bad for a rainy Sunday.

In other news, tomorrow night I’m going to get all gussied up to go – for the first time – to Shaaray Tefila’s annual gala. The ticket cost me more than half a day’s worth of freelance work, but the honoree is someone who has been incredibly kind and caring since the day I met her, just five weeks after you died. You’d like Liz – she’s honest, forthright, studies Torah, has a lovely singing voice and a heart of gold, and is a lifelong member of the synagogue.

That’s about it from here for this week. I hope you had a good Mother’s Day and please don’t forget to sign up for a Talmud class. Maybe there will be one in time for Shavuot...that would be perfect for you!

Miss you….xoxo,
~ Boo!

P.S. It’s going to be near 90 degrees today and I’m schvitzing like it’s July. My turn to say “Feh,” a word that, thanks to you, increasingly is a part of my vocabulary!

Monday, May 7, 2018

Yes, It’s ThatTime of Year Again

Friends,

You know the least favorite part of my work on behalf of FORCE: Facing Our Risk of Cancer Empowered is asking for funds to support the critical work this organization so effectively accomplishes, but as Liza Minnelli rightly sang in “Cabaret,” “Money makes the world go round.”

You also know that your philanthropic donation (no matter the size) will help ensure that FORCE is able to continue to raise awareness about inherited genetic mutations (most people who carry them are unaware of their status), offer emotional support, provide practical, evidence-based resources and scientific updates, advance targeted research, advocate for protections on behalf of those in the hereditary cancer community, and more. Most vital of all, thanks to FORCE, no one has to travel this journey alone.

Lastly, you know that the FORCE community and the work to which we, a cadre of mostly volunteers, are deeply devoted mean so much to the countless individuals and families affected by hereditary cancer-causing mutations – including me.

For these reasons and so many others, I appreciate your support of this cause and am extremely grateful to have you in my life.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you,
~ Jane.