Facebook Does It Again

You know how in the beginning of The Wizard of Oz the picture goes from black and white to color? I sort of had that experience today as my I-met-her-once Facebook friend Phyllis went from a teeny-tiny, two-dimensional photo to a three-dimensional, live-and-in-person person in New York City.

Here’s how the events unfolded:

You may recall that last month at Biennial, I met Phyllis, who I’d previously known only on Facebook. (You can read about that encounter here.) In our blink-of-an-eye conversation in Toronto, she said she’d be in New York in December and we quickly exchanged phone numbers in the hope that during that trip, there might be time for coffee.

This past Sunday night, Phyllis posted this on Facebook: Phyllis is getting very excited for her trip to NYC this week! I commented with this: Where will you be? What are you doing? Time for coffee?

Last night, she updated with this: Phyllis can't quite believe that she booked a SIX AM FLIGHT for tomorrow morning. It's off to bed I go...

And early this morning this: Phyllis is headed to NYC!!!!! See ya in the Eastern Time Zone:)

As I was settling into my desk at work, she had already flown in from Chicago, was poking around in the Village and posted this: Phyllis is feeling like the Country Mouse. Facebook friends quickly advised her to wear black, to keep her camera out of sight and to purchase a scarf—to be tied in just the right way—from a street vendor.

Hoping to offer some explanation for the clothing penchants of New Yorkers, I chimed in with this: New Yorkers wear black because our closets are so small that we don't have room for a hundred different color schemes. Everything has to match...and so we accessorize with scarves we buy on the street! (Today, in fact, I happen to be wearing one that I bought at 42nd and Third for $5) :)

A bit later, having visited Magnolia Bakery for a cupcake, the Country Mouse from Chicago posted this: Phyllis is putting her faith in Google maps.

Shortly thereafter, my cell phone rang and it was the Country Mouse herself, asking if I could meet her downtown for coffee. Unfortunately, I was at work in midtown and due in a meeting in a few minutes. She promised to call again in the afternoon—when she and Leslie, a mutual friend, would be a bit closer—and I promised to duck out for a while to meet them.

I then went back to writing tribute letters, researching my next article for Reform Judaism magazine and, as one colleague is fond of saying, “serving in HaShem’s Army.” Phyllis and I spoke again in the middle of the afternoon and the three of us arranged to meet for dinner on the west side, near the theater where she and Leslie had tickets for a show.

Just before I left the office for Times Square, I posted this: Jane is excited about dinner tonight -- a totally unexpected and pleasant surprise! And pleasant it was! Without missing a beat (and over yummy Italian fare), Leslie, Phyllis and I picked up our chat in person right where we’d left it off in cyberspace. In fact, had the two of them not had to race off to make a 7 p.m. curtain, I suspect we might still be schmoozing over cappuccino--smiling, chatting, laughing and marveling at the amazing power of Facebook to bring us all together.

Search: "Jewish"

I was interested to catch this article in today's edition of the Cleveland Jewish News. Ironically, it came to me by way of a daily Google Alert for “Reform Judaism” that I set up several months ago.

Equally ironic, at about the same time I set up that Google Alert, I also set up one for “Anti-Semitism” and, in light of my studies this semester—a course entitled “Anti-Semitism and Public Policy”—(and despite what the article says), I am grateful for the links to relevant news stories and blogs that land in my in box each day. Many are put to good use in class each week where a discussion of “What’s happening in the world?” begins each session.

As far as turning to the Web to find my beshert, I guess I’m still optimistic (and not quite sure why) about this seemingly outmoded venue. Sometimes, as a break from my studies and against my better judgment, I’ll visit the “men seeking women” section of Craigslist and search for “Jewish.” Invariably, my search returns the usual list of unsavory suspects—married men, those seeking friends with benefits, and a host of wack-jobs looking for things not suitable to mention on a “family blog.”

From time to time, I’ll even post my own ad in the “women seeking men” section of the site. In fact, on Wednesday night, I posted this ad (including the cute little turkey):

Don't be a turkey...answer this ad - 46 (New York City)

Real, down-to-earth and youthful 40-something Jewish woman with much to be thankful for seeks a mensch in the hope that compatibility and friendship might lead to something more.

Please be Jewish, kind, gentle, real, age-appropriate and not already married. If you fit these criteria, don't be a turkey...answer this ad. Happy Thanksgiving.

So, what’d my net pull in this time? Among others, I caught these turkeys:

Guy #1 sent his phone number with this note: “Hi! I am not a turkey nor Jewish but I would love to meet you...” Ummm, I don’t think so.

Guy #2 responded with this: “Gobble, gobble” and a picture of himself playing the guitar. We’ve exchanged a few emails previously, but my photo appears to be the deal breaker. Oh well…

Guy #3 isn’t really in the market for his beshert, but is testing a brand new “100% free Jewish dating site” he recently developed. His email asks that I register, but my experience tells me that these JDate wannabes aren’t worth much. Kudos to him for trying, but I’ll pass…

And finally this: You may remember Guy #4 from a previous post on this blog. In that post, he was Guy #8, but regardless of his place on my list, he’s still 50 years old (although he’s been answering my posts for a year and a half), he still claims to have brown hair, and he’s a pro at cutting and pasting—the exact same response every single time.

Hmmmm…is it any wonder that fewer Jews are turning to the web to find their beshert? Perhaps it's time for me to join the others in stepping away from the computer...

Guests with Issues...Biennial Style

“I have had enough with people who want to have it their way, and I am done catering to the quirks of food-obsessed numskulls,” says Susan Goldberg in a City Room piece in today’s New York Times.

Man, oh Manischewitz, can I ever relate to that statement. Two weeks ago, I hosted an intimate Shabbat dinner for 2800+ guests in Toronto. (OK, I didn’t exactly “host” the meal, but like Susan, it was my job to deal with those she aptly calls “food-obsessed numskulls,” and in a crowd that size, believe me, there are plenty.)

According to the medical journal American Family Physician, as many as 80 percent of Ashkenazi Jews are lactose intolerant. Luckily, my Shabbat dinner was kosher style and chicken was among the entrée choices (fish and vegetarian were the others) so no dairy was served, which neatly dispensed with that issue. However that still left me (and the chef) to deal with the diabetics, the low-fat, low-carb, high protein, low sodium dieters and those who have allergies or aversions to nuts, gluten, garlic, onions, peppers, strawberries, cinnamon, melons, pineapple, sage, black beans, cheese, mushrooms, asparagus, tomatoes, eggplant, avocado, rice and seafood. Did I forget anyone?

Like Susan’s guests, many of mine “presented me with a detailed list of their food requirements.” Among them were these:

Attendee #1 asked for plain grilled or roasted breast of chicken, plain sautéed vegetables and no stuffing or sauce. Fine, but beyond that, please leave the specific preparation to the chef. If, as you suggest, the chicken can be marinated in olive oil, lemon and red wine vinegar and seasoned with salt, pepper and herbs, it's not, strictly speaking, "plain."

Attendee #2 requested “No wheat, yeast, corn, rice, nightshades or vinegar.” Good thing Attendee #2 didn’t end up with Attendee #1’s vinegar marinated chicken breast, which was a real possibility when you consider that my Shabbat guests ate in 16 different dining rooms. And, in case you’re wondering (I know I was), according to The World's Healthiest Foods, “potatoes, tomatoes, sweet and hot peppers, eggplant, tomatillos, tamarios, pepinos, pimentos, paprika, cayenne, and Tabasco sauce are classified as nightshade foods…A particular group of substances in these foods, called alkaloids, can impact nerve-muscle function and digestive function in animals and humans, and may also be able to compromise joint function.” Who knew?!?...

Attendee #3 indicated that he doesn’t eat red meat. Good thing he selected chicken from among the choices. Did I mention that they were chicken, fish or vegetarian?

Attendee #4 also doesn’t eat red meat. She selected fish for Shabbat dinner. Wait, don’t tell me…the choices were chicken, fish or vegetarian, right?

Attendee #5 is a vegetarian. Fortunately, she selected the vegetarian option.

One more: Attendee #6 chose chicken for Shabbat dinner provided that it was seasoned only with salt and pepper and that the sauce contained neither mushrooms nor cheese. Hmmm…did I mention that my dinner was kosher style and thus no dairy would be served?

Thankfully, in his sermon the next morning, my boss eloquently reminded me of the spiritual side of Jewish eating with these words:

First, we know – as all Jews know – that meals are profoundly important in creating and sustaining purposeful community. When we eat alone, we are sorely tempted to focus on ourselves; we distance ourselves from the world, from the needs of others, and—most often—from the presence of God. And eating in loneliness, we drift away from the Jewish people.

But when we join together for a se’udah – a Jewish communal meal – we open our minds and our hearts to the concerns of others, and we draw God in, as a partner, to our sacred community.

For most of us, the Seder, the Yom Kippur break fast, and the Shabbat meal – each an experience of togetherness and solidarity – are among our most significant Jewish memories. For 3,000 years, the message of the Jewish tradition has been: invite others to join you in your festive meals and celebrations.

Unfortunately I wasn’t actually in the hall to hear him speak these words. I was preparing to serve Shabbat lunch to 2100+ guests.

My Doctor Failed Me

I was interested to see the Cases column in yesterday’s New York Times, and especially glad to read the last line: “The answers are with the patients, and we must remember the unquantifiable value of asking the right questions.”

In fact, that article, coupled with my own recent up-close-and-personal experience in the medical world prompted me to write (although I probably will not send) this letter to my (soon to be former) internist:

Dear Dr. I-Used-to-Think-You-Were-a-Really-Good-Doc,

I’m writing to ask that you please forward my medical records to my new internist as I am leaving your practice effective immediately. Although we’ve been through a lot together in the last five or six years--ongoing control of essential hypertension, diagnosis and treatment of a lingering viral infection, antibody titres necessary for grad school enrollment, a Z-Pak or two for upper respiratory infections, and, just about two years ago, a four-day hospital stay via the emergency room that resulted in gallbladder surgery—it’s time for me to move on.

Why, you ask? Well, let me tell you.

Until now, we’ve had what I would consider to be a positive doctor-patient relationship and you’ve been, from my perspective, accessible, competent, compassionate and caring, qualities that are harder and harder to find in an internist. Back in January, however, during a routine visit in which you checked my cholesterol and blood pressure, I told you—with great difficulty—that I was increasingly stressed out and having trouble dealing with it.

Your response? Try to get more exercise and see if that helps. Anxious to feel better, I did start an early morning treadmill routine and found that, indeed, I was better able to handle the challenges of balancing work and school throughout the spring…until plantar fasciitis forced me off the exercise equipment for a few weeks during the summer.

By last month, with Biennial just days away and amidst mounting pressure from both work and school, I again told you during a routine visit that I was not handling stress well and that more and more I felt it was negatively affecting my ability to function effectively. Your response this time? An electrocardiogram (which was totally normal) and the suggestion that I “just need to get through this.” That day, I left your office more stressed than ever and, although I was unable even to envision life after Biennial, hoping that things somehow would be better once I returned from Toronto.

Unfortunately they were not, which only furthered my resolve to find an answer. Earlier this week, therefore, I saw my ob/gyn, a doctor I had previously seen only for routine care and with whom I do not have the longstanding relationship I have with you. And yet, to my great relief, she listened, asked good questions, answered mine, ordered a lot of blood work and (pending the results) offered a seemingly plausible diagnosis. In this particular instance, she also prescribed medication that, once it kicks in, will, she assured me, help me feel better.

Now that I’ve had a chance to read up on the diagnosis she provided, I’m compiling a new laundry list of questions for when I see her again in a few weeks. At the top of that list will be this one, very important question: Can you recommend a new internist?

I regret that our relationship has ended this way, but the bottom line is this: when I needed and asked for your help, you disregarded my concern, you blew me off, you just weren't there for me. I only hope that you’ll be there for the rest of your patients.

Sincerely,
JanetheWriter

Biennial Redux: Make New Friends But Keep the Old

Rather than bore you with details about food and beverage fiascos at the Union’s recent Biennial convention in Toronto, let me tell you about the other side -- the hugs, the smiles, the reconnects and the new friends who previously existed only on Facebook and in cyberspace.

A few in particular come to mind:

Early on, I met Rachel Turry Roth, managing director of the American Conference of Cantors in Chicago. We’d had numerous email and Facebook exchanges in recent months, but hadn’t ever met face-to-face. That happened on Sunday (or was it Monday?) night in the lobby of the Fairmont Royal York Hotel. Lucky for both of us, we were able to steal away for a late-night cup of tea on Tuesday (or was it Wednesday?) in the hotel’s Gold Level lounge. How nice to have a new friend!

In the wee hours of Thursday morning, I posted this status update on Facebook: Saw lots of Facebook friends in person today. Especially looking forward to meeting Phyllis Sommer tomorrow! To that, Phyllis (aka Ima on (and off) the Bima) responded: Can't wait to meet you too! Hanging out at O’Hare waiting for my flight...

A few hours later, there she was – standing right next to me there in the staff office. And, although we chatted only briefly before she rushed off to present at a workshop and I returned to counting meals, Phyllis and I exchanged cell phone numbers and – if we’re lucky – will have more of a chance to get acquainted the next time she makes it to New York or, by some travel fluke, I make it to Chicago.

Marge Eiseman commented on that post as well: Find me tomorrow -- ok? I'm working at Reeva’s 'Ritings with Ruach in the exhibit hall...all afternoon/evening. Although we didn’t connect in the exhibit hall, we did catch a hug when we spotted each other just outside the plenary hall the next day…or was it Saturday? No matter…if I do ever make it to Chicago, a side trip to Milwaukee for a real visit with Marge will definitely be on my itinerary.

Like Phyllis, Andy Busch popped into the staff office, providing me yet another opportunity to meet someone who previously existed only as a signature block in our email exchanges. Andy and I share roots in central New Jersey, so it was an especially nice connection to make. Lastly, I chatted briefly on an up escalator with Billy Dreskin, with whom I’d previously emailed, but never met. In addition to talking about the use of technology in synagogues, which was the context of our initial emails, he told me that he reads my blog.

“The Union’s blog?” I asked.

“No,” he said, “your JanetheWriter blog.”

Hmmm…Who’d a thunk?!

One more note about Biennial connections: On Sunday, I received this Facebook message from Alan Mason (Alan and I “met” a while back when I wrote about his cantorial concert for the Union’s blog):

Dear Jane,

I was looking forward to meeting you at the Biennial, but a serious injury prevented me from traveling and playing the piano for the Shabbat service. I loved reading the posts and updates, and seeing the photos, but it made me even sadder to not be there. I am in a cast from my elbow to my fingers, with a broken wrist and lower arm, but I am doing amazingly well, will have a full recovery, and will be playing the piano very, very soon.

I always enjoy your posts, updates, and news from the Union.

Alan

I responded and we went on to have a brief exchange of messages over the last several days. At Alan’s request, I will, once again, plan to write a piece for his 2010 cantorial concert, which is scheduled for January 23, 2010 in Miami. Stay tuned for details.

Of course, not all my Biennial connections were new ones. I was lucky to cross paths with Peter Schaktman, Michelle Pearlman, Antoinette and Stuart Matlins from Jewish Lights Publishing, Sally Neff, Ilene Bogosian, the LAs from the RAC and countless others on my endless treks through the Metro Toronto Convention Centre during the course of the week.

And, at the end of the day, isn’t that what Biennial’s all about?

Time Well Spent

Like many people, my inbox gets cluttered with plenty of bad jokes, most of which I delete soon after they arrive. This one, though, a list of practice exercises women can do to prepare for a mammogram, always brings me a chuckle:

Exercise #1: Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Repeat with the other breast. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.

Exercise #2 Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Do this again in case the last time wasn't effective enough. Then repeat with the other breast.

Exercise #3 Visit your garage at 3 a.m. when the temperature of the concrete floor is just perfect. Take off all your warm clothes and lay comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until the breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast.

This morning, I went for the real thing and, as usual, it was no big deal. My appointment at the radiology center was for 7:30 a.m. and by 8 a.m., I was finished and headed to the office. Sure, it’s uncomfortable for a few seconds, while you get squished between those cold metal plates, but when you consider the life-saving potential of those plates and the images they capture, it’s really time well spent.

A Tale of Two Jeffs: Lucky or Schmucky?

In response to my Rosh Hashana personal ad, which you can read here, I received a number of responses including from Guy #1, who initially wrote to me on September 21. For a few days we had a nice back-and-forth on email, including an exchange of photos. Then nothing until this email on October 1:

Hi Jane.

I hope you enjoyed the holidays. Sorry for the delay in my reply. I ran into someone from my past during the week and we are going to see what might develop, again. I expect being a NYer that you will understand. Thank you.

Best wishes,
Jeff

Based on my experience, such a note is fairly par for the course in the online dating world and I probably wouldn’t have given it much thought (although I did wonder what being a New Yorker had to do with my level of understanding) except that it was déjà vu all over again.

Back in June, in response to a different personal ad, I had an equally nice exchange with Guy #2. It started on June 25, included a photo swap and then, like with Guy #1, ended thusly on July 1:

Hi Jane,

I thought I had mentioned I was in real estate. Seven days a week is not uncommon! I ran into a girl I was seeing a few months ago and we decided to give it another try.... So at this point in time, I am off the market! There is only enough of me to go around for one at a time.

Take care.
Jeffrey

So, do you think these two Jeffs really got lucky and reconnected with old flames or were they just trying to be polite in their own shmucky sort of way?

You decide.