Is this "Punny"...or Does it Suck?

Although I’m certainly not ready to pick up my tuba and go marching in The Schmuck Parade anytime soon, I recently was inspired (OK, maybe I was just seeking an escape from “sad”) by two friends’ Facebook exchange to draft this personal ad:

Are you dating in a vacuum?!

Youthful 40-something DJF with a wide, varied and growing circle of family, friends and interests seeks S/DJM for a “meet and greet” that doesn't suck as much as a Bissell. If we’re lucky, intellectual, emotional and physical sparks (but no dust, dirt or dander) will fly and we’ll get swept up in a meaningful long-term relationship that's built slowly on trust, shared values, honesty and a gut reaction that "this is a good thing."

Desire quiet, upright, bagless (relatively little baggage) and age-appropriate Jewish guy (45-55) with attachments to family, friends and other things money can't buy. Bonus points if you know a bisel from a Hoover and retain ties to your religious upbringing that you'd be willing to share if, in fact, we find we're bashert.

To describe the exceedingly small number of replies as “dismal” would be an understatement…especially this one, which--perhaps inspired by this week’s celebration of Tu B’Av?--appears to be a particularly bad fit:

Hi:
I saw your CL post. I am on my way to work. So I will be brief.
Here is my info:
55
5'6

220

divorced dad of 5 kids (2 are married and living far away) - at home - 19b 16b 15g - 24x7

orthodox - shabbos - minyan 3x/day (usually)

mostly right wing with some deviations into the left

live in Brooklyn

Am I eligible?

What, pray tell, on God's green earth makes this guy think he's "eligible?!?" I responded with this:

Thanks, but no...you're not eligible. I'm a liberal Reform Jew and although I attend a Shabbat minyan, the chasm is just too wide.

Thanks for being in touch...good luck to you.

To which he responded:

Good Luck to You.

If you chance across an orthodox woman, mention me. Thanks.

Sure. Will do, buddy…