Sunday, June 14, 2009

Letter to Cupid

Dear Cupid,

I figure that with Valentine’s Day more than six months away, perhaps you’re not too busy at the moment and can help me out here while things are slow in your office. Although I’ve tried really hard to appreciate the various guys you’ve sent me in the past, unfortunately you’ve missed the mark – sometimes more than other times -- and I’m still out here looking.

I know your job isn’t an easy one, even in a city of eight million people, and without being too critical of your handiwork, I’d like to offer some positive ways you might be able to improve your marksmanship with that little bow and arrow of yours:

1. I’m 46, so when I say “age appropriate,” I don’t mean 28 and I don’t mean 57. Forty-five to 55 would be great.

2. I’m Jewish and although not religious in the traditional sense, it is an important part of my life in a liberal sort of way. I’d be grateful, therefore, if you didn’t send me guys who describe themselves as “Orthodox,” “traditional” or “Jewish but not religious.” Also, although I have nothing against them personally, I don’t think I’d be a good match with guys who consider themselves agnostic or atheist. Reform, Conservative or Reconstructionist Jews who still retain some attachment (even if it’s just cultural) to their heritage are most desirable.

3. Although I’m not looking to get married again (at least not at the moment), I also am not interested in meeting guys who already are married or are not quite divorced. It would be great if you could limit your selections for me to those who are single, fully divorced or widowed.

4. As you know, I don’t have a specific “type” in mind when it comes to guys and I don’t much care about hair color, eye color or that sort of thing. At the same time, at 5’5”, I do appreciate guys who are at least 5’7”. And, since I know that they often ask you, please feel free to tell them that I've got a medium or average build and that I'm height and weight proportionate (and stay that way with the help of the treadmill nearly every other day). Other physical attributes include long, curly auburn hair, brown eyes and a great smile.

5. Much more important to me, Cupid, is that you do your best to send me a mensch. Of course I don’t expect perfection (I’m old enough to know that it only exists in fairy tales and the movies), but would love to spend time getting to know someone who is honest, gentle and kind, seriously interested in finding the right somebody and not into playing games. I don’t really care about how much money he makes, whether or not he travels annually to the Caribbean or how many electronic gadgets he owns. Speaking of electronic gadgets, though, if we do decide to meet and chat over coffee or a drink, it’d be nice if he’d put his iPhone on vibrate and wait until later to return calls and answer email.

6. I live and work in Manhattan and although I’m open to guys who live in the other four boroughs, as well as close by in Westchester and New Jersey, Florida, Maine, and upstate are a bit out of the question. Some consideration of geographic boundaries would be greatly appreciated.

7. I know that these are tough economic times, but gainful employment is a big plus as are solo living quarters unless, of course, the guy shares space with his kids – either full-time or part-time. (Although I don’t have any of my own, I’m definitely open to having other people’s kids in my life.)

8. Although I don’t expect an initial email that rivals the Great American Novel, I do appreciate a few brief sentences about the guy you’re sending me. I’d love for him to tell me a bit about himself and his life, as well as what positive attributes he’d bring to a meaningful long-term relationship. Most undesirable are one-liners, canned responses, photos with no words (and no shirts), and phone numbers that say “call me.”

9. Although I know that you won’t necessarily send me a guy who’s a carbon copy of me (that’d be boring), it would be great if he and I shared some basic values. High on my list are honesty, integrity, intellectual curiosity, ideas, family, friends and other things money can’t buy.

10. Lastly, to make this thing really work, I hope you’ll be able to send me someone with whom I have that seemingly all elusive chemistry. Ideally, we’ll have an emotional, intellectual and physical spark that together we can coax into a wonderfully warm and glowing relationship that keeps us both from having to be in touch with you again for a long time to come.

Cupid, I know that I'm asking for a lot here, but I have faith that if anyone can deliver, it’s you…especially now that it’s summer and far, far from your busy winter season. Thanks for your careful consideration of my requests. I look forward to hearing from you soon.


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