Fashion Facts from a Non-Fashionista

Dear Fashion Industry,

We’ve never had a great relationship and with each passing year, I find I like you less and less.  This afternoon, against my better judgment, I spent time with you in the hopes that I won’t have to continue to fight with the contents of my closet each morning as I prepare to go to work.  However, that plan didn’t exactly pan out as I expected.

Based on today’s experience, let me tell you a few things that you don’t seem to understand:

1. Some people don’t like to shop and don’t have unlimited funds to spend on clothing,
2. Not everyone has the body of a tween or teen, most of whom want and can afford to wear everything skin tight.  Some of us need a little wiggle room in our clothing.  That means that we’d like the waistband of our pants to sit on our waists.  (That’s why it's called a waistband.)  Can you make some pants like that?  Please?
3. It doesn’t mean, however, that a size large needs to have sleeves that are six times longer than the sleeves on a medium or that shirts need to come down to our knees.  A little extra room in the shoulders and the overall width would be very helpful.  Do you think you could do that?
4. Not everyone looks good in crew neck tee-shirts (even if they come in 37 different colors).  Can you possibly make some square neck and/or v-neck tee-shirts, too?
5. Some people like relatively plain clothing.  Do you think you could make some shirts without sequins, ruffles and embroidery?  Pants without sequins, studs and zippers at the ankle?  And purses without fringe, studs and metal rings all over?  Lots of people would thank you for that.
6. Polyester, rayon and nylon do not breathe.  Therefore, they’re not especially good fabrics for summer clothing.  Cotton is really good for summer fashions, but it needs to be weighty enough so that the clothing—especially the white pieces—aren’t sheer.
7. If you’d be so kind as to add a dash of polyester to the cotton, the clothing can go into the dryer without shrinking.
8. Some of us would appreciate summer dresses with short sleeves.  Sometimes the office is just too chilly for sleeveless and, believe it or not, most 40-somethings I know don’t wear dresses with spaghetti straps. I know, you’re incredulous, but believe me, it’s true.
9. The average American woman wears a size 14.  Therefore, you probably should make that the middle of the bell curve.  Maybe then size 14 garments  wouldn’t sell out so quickly leaving lots of teeny tiny sizes on the racks at sale time, which is extremely frustrating for all of us average size women.
10. One final thing, Fashion Industry:  Can you do something about the music?  I’m not saying that you need to play easy listening tunes or Muzak, but I don't need to hear it from the street as I approach the store, and something with a little more melody and a little less beat at a significantly lower volume would be great.

No, I’m not ready to throw in the towel and head to the Alfred Dunner racks, but a little cooperation from you, Fashion Industry, would be very much appreciated.  Thanks for your consideration.

~ JanetheWriter

The Journey Continues...

Dear The Mums,

I know that sending yahrzeit notices is a routine administrative function in synagogues, especially when they’re as big as Temple Shaaray Tefila, but do they really think that I need a reminder about yours?  Really?!  Here’s the thing you’ll love, though:  The letter I received yesterday from Shaaray Tefila says that your name will be read at services on Friday, June 1, and the letter I received today from Temple Emanu-El says that your name will be read at services on Friday, June 8.  I guess it’s the same principle as celebrating two days of a holiday to make sure that you get the date right.  No worries on that front: I’ll be at Shaaray Tefila on June 1, and Daddy will be at Temple Emanu-El on June 8 so we’ve got you covered.  And you know Amy…she does her own thing when it comes to anything that looks or feels even remotely “religious.”

There are a few other things you might want to know – if you don’t already.  The "bridge ladies" are trying to find a date to get together again during mid-September, and when I wrote back to tell them which dates could potentially work for me, one of the dates that doesn’t work conflicts with a meeting of the TST Ritual Committee on which I now serve.  Like mother, like daughter...

Also, I assume that you know that Debbie Bravo’s leaving at the end of June to become the senior rabbi at Sue Feldman’s congregation.  I’m sad…but I’m sure this is a good opportunity for her, and hopeful that she and I will stay in touch.  Two years ago at this time, we spoke every day.  When I was in the city, she’d call after every visit with you to give me a report and check in on the rest of us.  I’m not sure how we made it through those long days, but I’m sure that we couldn’t have done it without her and everyone else who called, visited, cooked, texted, emailed, posted messages on Caring Bridge, and otherwise helped us absorb the shocks of that bumpy road.  I was just thinking the other day about the “concert” in your hospice room on one of the first days after you got there.  It might have been the day after Shavuot, but I don’t remember exactly.  What I do remember is the singing…  Jacquie on the guitar, Sally, Flo, Randi, Debbie and whoever else happened to be there at the moment.  We sang all your favorites:  Jerusalem of Gold, The Impossible Dream, America the Beautiful, We Gather Together and lots of others.  I hope you heard us and could enjoy the music.

Daddy’s going to the June 16 gala honoring both Debbie and David so you will be well represented.  I considered going, too, but I’m having “nip and tuck” surgery on June 19 so just want to lay low during the few days beforehand.  It’s a same-day procedure—under general anesthesia—to clean up the incisions and put the finishing touches on last year’s 12-hour surgery.  I expect that everything will go as planned and I’ll go back to work the following week.

In other news, Amy’s business has taken off like wildfire and she’s collecting clients faster than Albert C. Barnes collected art.  Ian is a Little League superstar with multiple games each weekend.  He plays catcher and when he’s at bat often hits well enough to bring a few players home.  He’s going to baseball camp this summer and, if Amy let him, would toss a ball around all day long. 

As always, there’s lots more to tell, but I need to go fix some dinner.  I’m sure you already know most of what I’ve reported here, but in case you didn’t, I just wanted to keep you up-to-date.  And, of course, you know I don’t need any reminders about your yahrzeit.  Not a day goes by that I don’t think of you, miss you, and wish you were here.

xoxo,
~ Boo!

P.S.  A “baby rabbi” will start at temple on July 1.  He was ordained a few weeks ago in New York and in my mind, he’s sort of like the new king in Egypt, with you playing the part of Joseph:  “A new king arose over Egypt, who did not know Joseph.”  But, as it says on the tee-shirts from the temple’s 40th anniversary:  “The journey continues…”

Lingering Remembrances of Loss

Two years ago today, I posted two separate messages on my mother’s CaringBridge site.

In the morning on May 19, 2010, I had this to say: 

As many of you already know, the last few weeks have been difficult for my mother.  During this last week in particular, her condition has deteriorated significantly and she has, despite medication, been in considerable pain. Yesterday, acting upon recommendations from both her oncologist and her long-time internist, my father, my sister and I agreed that it is now time to follow her wishes and make arrangements for her to enter a hospice facility.  Accordingly, we met at length with a hospice nurse, and within the next few days, we expect that my mom will be moved to Haven Hospice at JFK Hospital in Edison (right across the street from her beloved Temple Emanu-El).  In the meantime, she is resting comfortably in the hospital, and we, too, are comfortable knowing that we are abiding by my mother’s wishes.  

Many of you know, too, that the Festival of Shavuot, which began last night, is my mom’s favorite Jewish holiday.  As Rabbi Bravo wrote to a few of her own colleagues yesterday, “Diana would have wanted us to celebrate this holiday, just as she loved Torah and let it be her guide through life.  Ironically, she went into the hospital on Pesach, and here we are on Shavuot.  Her family and I decided that just as she lived her life by the Jewish calendar, so is she planning her end of days in a similar way.”

By evening, our 11 days of family time in hospice had begun:

This afternoon my mother was transferred from Robert Wood Johnson to the hospice facility at JFK Hospital in Edison.  When we left her, she was (as she has been for the last few days) unresponsive, but resting comfortably and in no pain.  The speed of her deterioration on all fronts during the last several days has been notable and somewhat startling, even to a longtime family friend who has been together with us frequently during the last seven weeks.  Having said that, we have reassessed our earlier thoughts regarding visitors, and would prefer that only family, clergy and close friends visit.  We want your memories of my mother to be filled with laughter, happy times and much goodness.  We are, of course, grateful for your outpouring of care and love on this site and invite you to continue to share your thoughts with us.

Of course there are sweet and happy remembrances, but today, it is May 19, 2010—a surreal and difficult day—that was at the forefront of my thoughts and memory.

Color Me Red

Today was a gray, drizzly day in New York City.

To brighten it up, I added a little red to my wardrobe.

But this is the red I really wanted to add to my day.

So that's where I'm going now...with this other little bit of red.

I am Forbidden: A Brief Book Review

Remember when I posted this photo on Facebook back in March?

The caption said:  Look at how the package I received in today's mail was addressed! Stay tuned for details about what was inside...

Here are the details:  The package contained a pre-publication copy of I am Forbidden by Anouk Markovits, which will be published as the author's English language debut on May 8 by Hogarth Books, a division of the Crown Publishing Group.

That was the easy part.

The harder part is sorting out my thoughts and feelings about the book, which once I started, I couldn't put down.  Set in the Satmar Hasidic community, a place that seems narrower than the narrowest place in Mitzrayim, the story quickly swallowed me up.  Josef, Zalman, Hannah, Mila, Atara and Judith.  Transylvania, Paris, and New York.  World War II, 1968, 2005, today.  The characters, strictly confined by the 613 commandments, but always spinning, like Simchat Torah dancers, would, at first blush, appear to be spinning in place...year after year, baby after baby.  Some unexpected choices, however, take them to some unimagined places--within and beyond their community. 

Look for I am Forbidden in bookstores soon.

Chaim Glasberg, z'l

It is late, I am tired, and the six yellow yahrzeit candles lit this morning in the office have long since burned out.  Indeed, this year's Yom HaShoah commemorations are over.

And yet, for those of us who have taken on the responsibility as witnesses to history, the remembrances continue from one 27 Nisan to the next.  Although I never knew him, I spent much of today imagining and remembering Chaim Glasberg.  In my mind, today is his yahrzeit, and so, as I do each year on this day, I offer this traditional prayer in his memory:

O God full of compassion, Eternal Spirit of the universe, grant perfect rest under the wings of Your Presence to our loved one, Chaim Glasberg, who has entered eternity.  Adonai, let him find refuge forever in the shadow of Your wings, and let his soul be bound up in the bond of eternal life.  The Eternal God is his inheritance.  May he rest in peace, and let us say:  Amen.

Closing the Loop

You may recall that very shortly after my mother died (before we knew that I was BRCA positive), my father, my sister and I wrote a detailed letter to her oncologist.  Although we honestly didn’t think the medical treatment he provided to her was lacking, we certainly couldn’t say the same about the “family treatment” he provided to us.  In our grief, we felt compelled to tell him so.  Much to our surprise (and to his credit), he responded to our letter, which, we all agree, must have been difficult for him to do.

Recently, my sister discovered that he maintains a blog.  Social media junkie that I am, I took a spin around it and, when I found a post that referenced BRCA mutations in the context of the use of MRIs, I couldn’t help myself…I had to leave a comment: 

JanetheWriter:  With regard to BRCA mutations, what recommendations/suggestions do you offer to families of breast cancer patients about genetic counseling and testing for these mutations?  Thank you.

Dr. It’s-All-About-the-Tumors provided this detailed response:

As a general statement, if there is a question in a family of possible BRCA mutation, then it is an excellent idea to speak to an Oncologist or Genetic Counselor for guidance. A one hour visit can save lives. The general recommendations are: If there is a family history to suggest a risk for the BRCA mutation (pre-menopausal breast cancer, multiple breast cancers, any male breast cancer, ovarian and breast cancer at any age, Ashenazie (sic) Jewish descent) then the starting place is to test someone in the family who has (or had) one of these cancers. Only if that person is positive should other family members be tested. Then everyone who could have inherited the gene (siblings, children, even a young parent) should be tested for that gene. It is normal practice to test each person in series to follow the transmission of the gene through the family. That way if a Mother and Father do not have the gene, then their children do not need to be tested. In Jewish families some experts recommend testing for all 3 common mutations in all family members that could have inherited the gene, not just the detected mutation. Children do not need to be tested until they are 18 – 21. If the family member who had a cancer that might have been related to the BRCA mutation has died without being tested, then the decision is harder. It is reasonable to test children of that person and siblings. Do not forget that a person with the mutation has a 50% chance of giving it to each of to their children, so finding it or not in one person, does not predict their sibling.

Once again, I couldn’t help myself and continued the conversation with this:

Thank you for this information. In fact, I’m familiar with much of it because my mother — unbeknownst to any of us during her lifetime or illness — was (we surmise) BRCA+. Although her sister also had breast cancer, genetic counseling/testing, as far as we know, was not discussed with her.

Only after she died from TNBC [triple negative breast cancer] did my sister and I (of our own accord) pursue genetic counseling and testing. Indeed, although my sister is negative, I am positive for one of the founder mutations common among Ashkenazi Jews. Thank goodness we took the initiative…

He responded with this:

Thanks. While I am certain it was tough to learn that you carry a gene which puts you at risk, it is empowering to have that information to protect yourself. Let me know if there is more information which might be of assistance to you.

Seizing the opportunity to get something off my chest (no pun intended!) I wrote back to Dr. It’s-All-About-the-Tumors:

Thanks. In the last year I had all the prophylactic surgeries and am pleased with my decisions. My mother was a patient of yours, however, so please be reminded that BRCA mutations can be present even in families where BC onset is post-menopausal and neither BC nor OC is rampant — or even very present at all. A great resource that you may or may not be aware of is FORCE (www.facingourrisk.org), a national organization devoted to providing resources and support for BRCA positive individuals and families, as well as others at high risk for breast and ovarian cancer. Thank you again for engaging in this conversation.

And with this reply from him, our conversation came to a close:   

Thanks very much for the link and the reminder.

As I’ve said often on this journey, if I can use my experience to raise awareness—especially among those who should be most cognizant about BRCA mutations and their nuances—I will be satisfied that some good has come from my travels along this bumpy road.